There’s some wonky mojo going around these days, and it’s showing up on the subway, big time.
So to let some of the steam out of my head, here are my Top 5 Subway Pet Peeves, in descending order:
Peeve No. 5 – Pushing your way onto the subway before I can get off the train. I know, I know. You are so totally important, and you MUST get a seat or you’ll, like, totally die. I get it. But hey, jackwad. Let the passengers off, THEN you get on. And if you can’t get a seat … wait for the next train. They run every two minutes.
Peeve No. 4 – Refusing to squeeze over. Look. We all want to be comfortable on the subway, but this is simply a matter of physics. There’s only so much room for all of us to sit. Most cars have benches that seat three people. If you’re there first, fair enough. You get to choose where you sit. But it’s a public subway car. It ain’t yours. So shift your keister over like three inches and let someone else squeeze in. Refusing to budge because, well, you’re a jackwad, doesn’t impress me. If you can’t be just a little accommodating, take the bus.
Peeve No. 3 – Singing along to your iPod let everyone know how cool you think you are. I’m an iPod guy. And I’ve been known to get a little funky with the music. We all get our groove going now and again. But if you want to try out for American Idol, do it at the auditions. Or The Voice. Or X Factor. Or in the shower. There’s getting caught up in the moment, and there’s “yeah, that’s right, I’m singing along to my music and what the f–k are you gonna do about it?” If you need that much attention, get a dog.
Peeve No. 2 – Throwing trash on the floor. I realize that holding onto your gum wrapper, empty soda bottle or extra french fry is a total drag. It’s so totally unfair to be expected to throw your garbage in, you know, a garbage can. As if! But guess what, jackwad. Subways are subways, just like garbage cans are garbage cans. And guess what again? They’re not the same. We share public transportation. It’s for everyone. Even most of the homeless people have the decency enough to clean up after themselves. So if you you want to throw trash on the floor, go back to your apartment, and you and dump all the trash you want. But until you get home, find a place for your trash. And if you’re having difficulty in finding a temporary storage space, I’m sure I can recommend a place for you to stick it.
And finally …
Peeve No.1 – Clipping your friggin’ finger nails! Dude! Are you serious? When you’re trapped in a metal box going 50 miles an hour underground, packed in like sardines, the last thing you want to hear is …. clack … clack … clack … with little shards of you on the floor. Gross. If you need a manicure, the city is loaded with salons. You got gunk under your fingernails, you need a full blown clip session … for the love of all that is holy, wait until you’re off the damn subway and you can shed pieces of yourselve wherever you like.