In THE ART OF SELFISHNESS, author David Seabury talks, fundamentally, about the difference between what we?ll call [i]productive selfishness[/i] and [i]destructive selfishness[/i]. And after reading his book, and talking about with some folks about it, I believe that understanding those differences?and then acting accordingly?can have a remarkable positive impact on ours lives.

[i]Productive Selfishness[/i]: Let?s say a friend asks you to help him move. He?s a pretty good friend, and you rIn THE ART OF SELFISHNESS, author David Seabury talks, fundamentally, about the difference between what we?ll call [i]productive selfishness[/i] and [i]destructive selfishness[/i]. And after reading his book, and talking about with some folks about it, I believe that understanding those differences?and then acting accordingly?can have a remarkable positive impact on ours lives.

[i]Productive Selfishness[/i]: Let?s say a friend asks you to help him move. He?s a pretty good friend, and you really want to help him out?you?re not necessarily excited about moving furniture, but you figure it?s the kind of thing your friend would do for you if the situations were reversed.

But truth is, you?re physically tired from a long couple of weeks at work. You?ve been feeling pretty run down lately and it?s been getting worse, and you just need a weekend to yourself to recuperate. You also feel that if you exert yourself now, you may take a legitimate turn for the worse. So you tell your friend that you won?t be able to him move.

And then he guilts you. ?Come on, dude. Help me out. You know I?d totally help you. It?ll only take a few hours. Otherwise I?ll be at this all day by myself or it?ll cost me a fortune to hire movers.?

So what should you do? The answer is, it depends. But I think Seabury would argue that while you might feel on some level that helping your friend is a good thing to do–that you’re being a good friend–if it compromises your well-being or your values to a degree that would be more harmful to you than it would be helpful to your friend, then you should say no, even if your friend gives you grief about it. This is an example of [i]productive selfishness.[/i]

Of course, every situation is different; there’s no one size fits all. We need to consider all factors and then make the best decision we can.

But I think that we have been conditioned over the generations to often let guilt dictate our actions, and to worry about what [i]other [/i]people will think about us. Far too often we put what other people want ahead of what’s best for us. We compromise our values, thinking that we’re doing so for a good reason. And sometimes making a sacrifice is the right thing to do. It can be difficult to know what the best decision is. But I think it’s extremely important that we understand–and legitimately believe–that saying no is an absolutely acceptable option. Knowing [i]when[/i] to say no is the tricky part.

It’s something I’ve struggled with for many, many years, especially when I was younger. I’ve gotten a better handle on it now, but it’s still a tough one for me. I’m working on it.

[i]Destructive Selfishness:[/b] Here?s a true story. When I was in college my fraternity (don?t judge) had a spaghetti lunch one weekend. We held it at my apartment. Basically, we just made mounds of pasta and had a meal together. To accompany our pasta, we also bought a couple of bags of garlic bread that you heat up in the broiler. Naturally, everybody wanted a piece, and there was only so much to go around.

One guy who, we?ll call Fred, was first in line in the kitchen (sort of no surprise there). So I served him up a plate of spaghetti, and put a piece of garlic bread on his plate. And then he grabbed another one. When I told him that it was only one to a customer, he got aggressive with me. I told him to put one piece back. We argued. Finally, he walked away with only piece.

Had there been far more bread than people, I wouldn?t have cared that he took another piece of bread. But he knew there was only enough bread for each person to get one piece. He [i]knew[/i] that, and tried to take a second piece anyway.

Nothing good came from Fred?s selfishness here. Had he taken two pieces, then someone else wouldn?t have gotten any. And even though he ultimately put the second piece back, his selfishness, and then his subsequent attempts to justify his selfishness, added stress to what was supposed to be a fun day, and also demonstrated that he was far more interested in what he wanted than in being equitable.

This is [i]destructive selfishness[/i]. Fred thought only of himself?and acted accordingly?in a way that was harmful to others, and, really, to himself.

Just something to think about.

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In no particular order, these are my top five favorite books of all time. I’m not necessarily saying they’re the best of all time, just my top five favorites:

* THE SIRENS OF TITAN:

Kurt Vonnegut

* FAHRENHEIT 451:

Ray Bradbury

* THE CATHER IN THE RYE:

J.D. Salinger

* LAMB

Christopher Moore

* THE STAND

Stephen King

What’s on your top five list?In no particular order, these are my top five favorite books of all time. I’m not necessarily saying they’re the best of all time, just my top five favorites:

* THE SIRENS OF TITAN:

Kurt Vonnegut

* FAHRENHEIT 451:

Ray Bradbury

* THE CATHER IN THE RYE:

J.D. Salinger

* LAMB

Christopher Moore

* THE STAND

Stephen King

What’s on your top five list?

About 15 years ago, back in college, two guys I knew–they were brothers–were on my case for years about reading THE SIRENS OF TITAN by Kurt Vonnegut. I kept saying I’d read it, and they kept hounding me about it. Well, I finally relented … and they were right. I’ve since read THE SIRENS OF TITAN about a half dozen times, and recommend it to everybody who will listen.

If you’re looking for a book that challenges conventional thinking about God, the Universe and the meaning of living a About 15 years ago, back in college, two guys I knew–they were brothers–were on my case for years about reading THE SIRENS OF TITAN by Kurt Vonnegut. I kept saying I’d read it, and they kept hounding me about it. Well, I finally relented … and they were right. I’ve since read THE SIRENS OF TITAN about a half dozen times, and recommend it to everybody who will listen.

If you’re looking for a book that challenges conventional thinking about God, the Universe and the meaning of living a worthy life, this is the book for you. It’s a little bit sci-fi, but in a broad sense, and really gets you thinking about how all the pieces of the cosmos might fit together. And once it’s got you convinced about what’s what, it turns you on your head. It’s a quick, fascinating read that you will never forget.

THE SIRENS OF TITAN may not get the critical acclaim of SLAUGHTERHOUSE FIVE, but it’s every bit as good, if not better.

THE SIRENS OF TITAN is a must read, and in my top five books of all time.

Maybe it’s jsut me, but Battlestar Galactica is incredible! Excuse my decent into dorkville, but it’s AWESOME!!! In a million years I never would have thought BSG would be this good. Holy crap! I can’t remember the last time I got so hooked on a show that I’m almost twitching the whole week just waiting for the next episode.

Okay …. breathe … breathe ………………… breathe …

If you’re not watching Battlestar Galactica, start now or throw out your TV.Maybe it’s jsut me, but Battlestar Galactica is incredible! Excuse my decent into dorkville, but it’s AWESOME!!! In a million years I never would have thought BSG would be this good. Holy crap! I can’t remember the last time I got so hooked on a show that I’m almost twitching the whole week just waiting for the next episode.

Okay …. breathe … breathe ………………… breathe …

If you’re not watching Battlestar Galactica, start now or throw out your TV.

While LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE is a big win, BROKEN FLOWERS fell short of the mark. In fact, I can’t remember the last time a movie aggravated me as much as BROKEN FLOWERS. (SPOILERS ahead, so stop reading if you don’t want to know about the plot).

The biggest problem with BROKEN FLOWERS is that it could have been a really satisfying movie, but instead, it really pissed me off. The gist of the movie is that Bill Murray (in another great, and especially understated performance), is an aging Don While LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE is a big win, BROKEN FLOWERS fell short of the mark. In fact, I can’t remember the last time a movie aggravated me as much as BROKEN FLOWERS. (SPOILERS ahead, so stop reading if you don’t want to know about the plot).

The biggest problem with BROKEN FLOWERS is that it could have been a really satisfying movie, but instead, it really pissed me off. The gist of the movie is that Bill Murray (in another great, and especially understated performance), is an aging Don Juan, who gets a letter from someone claiming to be an ex-girlfriend, who has a 20-year-old son. The letter also claims that Bill Murray’s character is the father, and that his son has taken a trip to find him. The letter is also unsigned, so he doesn’t know who the mother is.

Murray’s character doesn’t know what to believe, but convinced by his neighbor Winston (Geoffrey Wright), goes on a road trip of his own to visit each of the women he can remember dating 20 years ago and see if there’s any truth to the letter.

As Murray’s character visits each woman (and they’re all bizarre in the their own way), I was into the journey. It’s a little road trip, a little mystery, and you want him to get some closure. But he doesn’t.

After returning home, Murray meets a 19-year-old who [i]might[/i] be his son, but who runs away from Murray, and never comes back. Huh?

And the movie ends!

I don’t need to have all the loose ends tied up, but this movie didn’t tie up any of them. None. I’ve heard people say that it’s "artistic," but to me it was insulting. If you are going to ask the audience to go along with your movie for almost two hours, it the film maker’s responsibility to give them something to take with them. In what could have been a satisfying movie, BROKEN FLOWERS just annoyed the crap out of me. And not in a good way.

Don’t tease me. Either deliver, or don’t bother inviting me along. But don’t intentionally give me nothing. That’s crap. It’s not artistic. It’s insulting.

BROKEN FLOWERS could have been a good little movie. I was into it, and then got left with nothing.

What a waste.

I finally got around to watching LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE last night, and it lived up to the billing. Wow. What a great little movie. All the characters were fun, you cared about what happened to them, and with one very minor exception, didn’t get preachy or weepy.

If anything, I would have liked to have seen just a little bit more of Steve Carrell’s character, but otherwise it was just fun beginning to end, but overall I give LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE two way big thumbs up.

It’s not every dayI finally got around to watching LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE last night, and it lived up to the billing. Wow. What a great little movie. All the characters were fun, you cared about what happened to them, and with one very minor exception, didn’t get preachy or weepy.

If anything, I would have liked to have seen just a little bit more of Steve Carrell’s character, but otherwise it was just fun beginning to end, but overall I give LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE two way big thumbs up.

It’s not every day that you get a movie with a failed suicide attempt, a heroin snorting senior citizen, a would-be self-help author, a teenager who won’t talk and a child beauty pageant … and a dead body … all rolled up into one story, but LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE pulls it off.

Go see it.

Being home with Liz this past week was a real eye-opener for me, and I’m grateful. I never realized just how involved you wind up being with someone when you’re their primary care giver.

Based on what I’ve described to people, I’ve gotten the impression that taking care of Liz this week–as she recovers from heart surgery–is like what parents go through when they care for their young children.

Only, expect, you know, without the kicking, screaming and crying.

Liz is much strongBeing home with Liz this past week was a real eye-opener for me, and I’m grateful. I never realized just how involved you wind up being with someone when you’re their primary care giver.

Based on what I’ve described to people, I’ve gotten the impression that taking care of Liz this week–as she recovers from heart surgery–is like what parents go through when they care for their young children.

Only, expect, you know, without the kicking, screaming and crying.

Liz is much stronger already, and can do much more on her own, but for those first few days I needed to do basically everything for her. Cook all the meals, help her get dressed, help her in and out of the shower, get changed. None of the tasks unto themselves are difficult, but you have to be "on" 24-7, in case she needs something, which I was happy to do.

But the chores we usually share–cooking, cleaning, dish washing, etc.–I’ve had to do solo. So there’s always something that needs doing.

And the thing is–I’ve loved it. Truly loved it.

I was reminded by someone about the significance of service, of giving of yourself for the welfare of someone else. And that’s how I’ve felt. I’ve been energized by caring for Liz, even though it hasn’t been easy (although it does get easier every day). Being with someone who is so totally dependent on you is a great responsibility, but also a great honor. And it’s important to take that seriously.

Even more surprising to me was that, after being home with Liz 24-7 for four straight days, I didn’t want to go back to work at all (I mean, I never [i]want [/i]to go to work, but this was different). I was having separation anxiety. My body was physically at work, but my mind, heart and soul were home with Liz.

I [i]missed[/i] being with her. I [i]missed[/i] taking her three walks a day with her. I [i]missed [/i]helping her with her breathing exercises. Getting her lunch for her. Watching TV together. Making sure she was comfortable.

Being of service to someone is wonderful. I’m certainly not happy about the reason I needed to do it, but I’m grateful for that time, now that I’ve had it. I grateful for so much.

Since my wife went into the hospital last week, and now that she’s home, I’ve barely been in the office. Spending so much time with Liz, even though she’s recovering from major heart surgery, just makes me want to spend that much more time with her. Believe me when I say I’d much rather be taking care of her than going to work.

It’s a strange experience, being someone’s full-time caregiver. You get so involved with every aspect of their day that it becomes a part of you. Liz is getting bettSince my wife went into the hospital last week, and now that she’s home, I’ve barely been in the office. Spending so much time with Liz, even though she’s recovering from major heart surgery, just makes me want to spend that much more time with her. Believe me when I say I’d much rather be taking care of her than going to work.

It’s a strange experience, being someone’s full-time caregiver. You get so involved with every aspect of their day that it becomes a part of you. Liz is getting better and stronger every day, and it’s a thrill to see her improve. My in-laws are coming for a few days for the shift change, and so I’m off to the office in about a half an hour.

Last night Liz told me that she was going to miss me when I went into the office. And I’m going to miss her. The last few days haven’t been exciting in an overt way, but they’ve been sweet and thrilling nonetheless. It isn’t often you get to care for someone in such an intimate way.

I’m not happy about the reason my wife needed this kind of care, but as long as it needed doing, I’m glad I was the one to do it.

Post edited by: rcolchamiro, at: 2007/01/20 10:44

Part of the search for an agent can include sending in a novel synopsis. Not every agent asks for one. In fact, many don’t. But for the agents that do, having a novel synopsis prepared is just one more element that I need to produce. OK. Fair enough.

But then …

As far as the synopsis goes, what exactly is an agent looking for? Well, that depends on the agent. According to several sources I’ve consulted, the synopsis of your novel should be as long or as short as it needs to be. If yoPart of the search for an agent can include sending in a novel synopsis. Not every agent asks for one. In fact, many don’t. But for the agents that do, having a novel synopsis prepared is just one more element that I need to produce. OK. Fair enough.

But then …

As far as the synopsis goes, what exactly is an agent looking for? Well, that depends on the agent. According to several sources I’ve consulted, the synopsis of your novel should be as long or as short as it needs to be. If you can summarize the whole book in a few pages, do that. If it takes 35 pages, it takes 35 pages.

They say that your synopsis should essential read like your novel, just boiled down to the key elements, but also including the nuance that makes your novel special. Also, they want you to reveal the surprises as they happen, so the agent can get a feel for how your novel will unfold.

So that’s what I did. I boiled down FINDERS KEEPERS into a synopsis, and it totaled out at about 20 pages single-spaced. That’s pretty long, but that’s how long it took. FINDERS KEEPERS is a multi-character adventure with many subtle moments of significance. Writing the synopsis wasn’t easy. It took me a few weeks, sitting down several days a week for several hours at a time. Because once I wrote the synopsis, I had to go back and edit the darn thing!

Even the synopsis has to be "perfect." No spelling mistakes. No redundancies. It’s another example of how well you write and what you bring to the table as an author.

And yet …

Some agents want a [i]short [/i]synopsis. No more than a page or two. So I ask you, how in the heck do you boil down a 20-page synopsis to a 2-page synopsis?! It was enough to make you me want to tear me hair out.

But I did it anyway.

It took some doing, but ultimately I just left out all of the secondary characters, and just stuck to the key characters and only the most important plot points. Writing the synopsis this way was actually a good lesson in story telling. It forced me to look at FINDERS KEEPERS in a new way. It also made me think it could use another rewrite! (I’m only half-kidding), but as much as writing the synopsis aggravated me, I’m glad I did it.

Hopefully it’ll pay off.

Just a quick note here, but if there’s any show I just love–I mean love–it’s Entourage on HBO. There’s only been something like 30 episodes total so far, but I never get tired of them.

I recently picked up Seasons 1 and 2 on DVD (although very light on extras, which is a real bummer), and and I just read online that Season 3 is set to come out on DVD in April, which I’m dying for!

More on this later …Just a quick note here, but if there’s any show I just love–I mean love–it’s Entourage on HBO. There’s only been something like 30 episodes total so far, but I never get tired of them.

I recently picked up Seasons 1 and 2 on DVD (although very light on extras, which is a real bummer), and and I just read online that Season 3 is set to come out on DVD in April, which I’m dying for!

More on this later …