Reject O.J. and His Evil Book!

Now that the once-canceled O.J. Simpson book ?If I Did It? is going back into production, I am sickened and outraged.

O.J., of course, is a total scuzzbucket and deserves the very worst that can befall a man.

The publisher of this book is a complete scuzzbucket for allowing this drivel to see print.

O.J.?s agent is a complete scuzzbucket for representing such a scuzzbucket.

And anyone who buys this book is a scuzzbucket by association for endorsing the aforementioned scuzzbucNow that the once-canceled O.J. Simpson book ?If I Did It? is going back into production, I am sickened and outraged.

O.J., of course, is a total scuzzbucket and deserves the very worst that can befall a man.

The publisher of this book is a complete scuzzbucket for allowing this drivel to see print.

O.J.?s agent is a complete scuzzbucket for representing such a scuzzbucket.

And anyone who buys this book is a scuzzbucket by association for endorsing the aforementioned scuzzbuckets.

The fact that something so evil and putrid is getting financial and marketing support of any kind unveils the worst, most hideous side to human nature. Some people are going to be drawn to this book just to see how outrageous it is, but it is an utter monstrosity and I implore to you reject this book and anyone associated with its publication or dissemination with extreme prejudice.

Turn your backs and scorn those who support it in any way. This book is evil, and it is our duty to fight back that evil when it tries to infiltrate our lives.

I?m sorry if I?m sounding so preachy right now, but I?m nauseas to my core over this, and I hope you are too.

We?re better than this.

Way.

Better.

Do something good and positive by rejecting what is just so negative and bad.

We are better than this.

We are better than this …

The 1-Page Synopsis

One of the toughest parts of the query process?at least for me?has been coming up with a short synopsis for Finders Keepers. And the only reason I?ve been working on a short-synopsis is because certain agents ask for one.

On the surface, you think, okay, I?ll just give a fairly concise wrap-up of my book. But in writing a synopsis, it isn?t just a matter of boiling the book down to its core elements. It?s more complex and nuanced than that. You?ve got to write the synopsis so that?unto itsOne of the toughest parts of the query process?at least for me?has been coming up with a short synopsis for Finders Keepers. And the only reason I?ve been working on a short-synopsis is because certain agents ask for one.

On the surface, you think, okay, I?ll just give a fairly concise wrap-up of my book. But in writing a synopsis, it isn?t just a matter of boiling the book down to its core elements. It?s more complex and nuanced than that. You?ve got to write the synopsis so that?unto itself?it is an intriguing read. [i]And[/i] it has to capture the key points of your book [i]and[/i] it has to unfold in the same sequence as your book. [i]And [/i]it has to do so in such a fashion that whoever reads your synopsis can say, ?Okay. I totally get this book from beginning to end.?

In one page.

Needles to say, this has not been any easy process. Finders Keepers is a multi-character, multi-arc story with a big overarching tale. How do you boil that down to ONE FRIGGIN PAGE?

You find a way.

Now … some agents ask for a ?short? synopsis, some ask for a one-page synopsis, some ask for a 2-page synopsis while others ask for a 20-page synopsis. For the longest time the best I could do was boil it down to a three-page synopsis, which, to my way of thinking, seemed reasonable, since Finders Keepers is in three parts.

But an agent who recently requested that I send 40 pages of Finders Keepers also asked for a one-page synopsis, so my motivation has been in full swing to get the synopsis down pat. And I think I?ve done it. With some help from writing buddy Michael Wolfe, and Liz, I?m just about there. I?ve got the synopsis down to one page. When you?re only allowed a single page to describe and recount an entire book, every word counts.

If you ever want to try your hand at writing?or more disciplined writing?try writing a one-page synopsis of any long story. It?s a challenge, all right, but I can see its value. If you want someone to back your project, you want them to be able to soak it all in?quickly and easily. Thus the synopsis.

It hasn’t been easy, been it feels to good to get there.

The Simpsons Movie

Finally saw The Simpsons Movie, and overall I’d say that while the reviews were pretty much outstanding, I thought the movie was only so-so. It started out really well – lot’s of really funny gags and paced well, but then it started to slow down a bit. It certainly isn’t a bad movie–there are lots of funny bits throughout–but the last hour didn’t live up to the first 30 minutes. It was like they used up their best bits early and then ran out of gas a bit.

The animation is great, of coursFinally saw The Simpsons Movie, and overall I’d say that while the reviews were pretty much outstanding, I thought the movie was only so-so. It started out really well – lot’s of really funny gags and paced well, but then it started to slow down a bit. It certainly isn’t a bad movie–there are lots of funny bits throughout–but the last hour didn’t live up to the first 30 minutes. It was like they used up their best bits early and then ran out of gas a bit.

The animation is great, of course, and you get to see most all of the characters, but the movie was real plot heavy, and less character-driven, which is what we really want. To see these characters being them in all of their nuance. Homer is the star of the movie, and Bart gets the most time besides him.

You could do worse than seeing The Simpsons Movie, but I would recommend going in with slightly tempered expectations and then taking it for what it is.

Kei Igawa on the Block

I read today that the Yankees are trying to work out a deal with the Padres to send away Kei Igawa. If they get a hamper of old socks for him, then the Yankees will come out on top. He’s awful.I read today that the Yankees are trying to work out a deal with the Padres to send away Kei Igawa. If they get a hamper of old socks for him, then the Yankees will come out on top. He’s awful.

Crowded House in Concert

A few nights ago Liz and I saw Crowded House at the Beacon, up on 72nd and Broadway. I’ve been a huge Crowded House fan since I was in high school, so I was especially psyched to see them.

And they didn’t disappoint. They played a full 2-hour set, complete with 2 encores, and played most all of their hits, including Something So Strong, and Don’t Dream it’s Over, which was one of the best numbers of the night. What I didn’t realize was just how great they are as musicians. Neil Finn, the wA few nights ago Liz and I saw Crowded House at the Beacon, up on 72nd and Broadway. I’ve been a huge Crowded House fan since I was in high school, so I was especially psyched to see them.

And they didn’t disappoint. They played a full 2-hour set, complete with 2 encores, and played most all of their hits, including Something So Strong, and Don’t Dream it’s Over, which was one of the best numbers of the night. What I didn’t realize was just how great they are as musicians. Neil Finn, the writer and lead singer, as well as the back-up guitarist, and Neil Finn’s son, Liam (on acoustic guitar), all play multiple instruments, and are great at all of them. And Neil Finn’s voice was great. He sounded as powerful and clear as on the records in the 80s.

They also had a great visual set, with a mock-up of their latest album cover literally 20-feet high starting from the stage, with these great mood lightings that altered throughout the show.

After almost 20 years waiting to see them, they did not disappoint.

They only downside was that even the tickets called for an 8 pm start, Crowded House didn’t go on until 9:45 pm. Liam Finn opened for about 30 minutes, then Peter Yorn played for about 45 minutes, and then Crowded House. So it was a long night, and a rough trip home, as the subways aren’t exactly running every 5 minutes that time of night.

So the concert itself was really good, but the night at large was a bit of a mixed bag.

The Police in Concert

Anybody see The Police in concert? I heard they were awesome …Anybody see The Police in concert? I heard they were awesome …

Agents Update: The Fake Out Letter

Slowly but surely I’m getting back into my post-Comic-Con rhythm, sending out more letters to agents. This week was pretty interesting, as I heard back from four different agents. I got the usual "thanks, but no thanks" letters, but I also got one that kinda threw me off balance.

In one day I heard from three different agents–it just seems to go that way; all or nothing–and one of the letters started off like this:

"Dear Russ,

Thanks you for your letter regarding Slowly but surely I’m getting back into my post-Comic-Con rhythm, sending out more letters to agents. This week was pretty interesting, as I heard back from four different agents. I got the usual "thanks, but no thanks" letters, but I also got one that kinda threw me off balance.

In one day I heard from three different agents–it just seems to go that way; all or nothing–and one of the letters started off like this:

"Dear Russ,

Thanks you for your letter regarding [i]Finders Keepers[/i]. Because of the high volume of submissions we receive, (we are) quite selective about which projects we decide to review."

– which translates to, "sorry dude. Hit the bricks." But then it went on –

"However, in this case, we would like to take a look at a sample of your work."

The ole’ fake-out letter.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m very happy that they want to see pages. That’s great. I can’t get enough requests for pages. It’s just that they seemed to be leading me down one path, and then abruptly changed course.

But hey, just another wrinkle in this goofy quest to land an agent. And as long as they want pages, I pretty much don’t care how the letters start out.

This week I also sent out pages to another agent who requested sample pages, so all in all I’ve been flowing in the right direction.

As always, I’ll keep you posted …

A-Rod vs. Bonds

I read an interesting stat today:

Number of career home runs for Alex Rodriguez at age 32:

500

Number of career home runs for Barry Bonds at age 32:

320

That means Bonds has hit 433 home runs in the last 9 years (I think he’s 41).

What do you think A-Rod will do in those years, assuming he’s healthy?I read an interesting stat today:

Number of career home runs for Alex Rodriguez at age 32:

500

Number of career home runs for Barry Bonds at age 32:

320

That means Bonds has hit 433 home runs in the last 9 years (I think he’s 41).

What do you think A-Rod will do in those years, assuming he’s healthy?

Comic-Con 2007 – Nailing the Elevator-Pitch

Okay … just one more post-Comic-Con blog …

One thing that surprised me at Comic-Con, from a creator’s standpoint, was the way many of my compatriots behind the many booths "sold" their books, how they delivered their elevator pitch. That’s the "okay, you’ve got 30 seconds to grab my attention, so go, starting … NOW!" pitch. Like, "It’s Mary Poppins meets with Reservoir Dogs," or ?It?s Happy Days meets American Idol.? And even though it’s a rehearsed pitchOkay … just one more post-Comic-Con blog …

One thing that surprised me at Comic-Con, from a creator’s standpoint, was the way many of my compatriots behind the many booths "sold" their books, how they delivered their elevator pitch. That’s the "okay, you’ve got 30 seconds to grab my attention, so go, starting … NOW!" pitch. Like, "It’s Mary Poppins meets with Reservoir Dogs," or ?It?s Happy Days meets American Idol.? And even though it’s a rehearsed pitch that you can give dozens, if not hundreds of times, it’s amazing how quickly you can lose your edge, and fumble over your own words when someone asks you.

Sometimes you’re talking to someone about just about anything other than your book, and then someone new comes up, asks you what your book is about, and you can get that "huh, whuh?" look on your face. You’re not completely in the moment, and it’s like the gears in your brain just can’t spin properly, as if they’re stuck in molasses. Or else you?re tired, or distracted by any of the other elements of your life, or you?re hungry, or your back hurts, or you have go to the bathroom.

And I saw a lot of creators at their booths, who have done dozens upon dozens of shows, and how they struggled at times with their elevator pitch. Not because they don’t know it, but because it’s difficult to be completely "on" all the time. And when that’s necessary, it’s amazing how you can alter your language–your exact words–just slightly when you repeat yourself, and how that can either more effectively draw in new people, or even become less effective. Just a few words can make all the difference.

I’ll explain:

For me, Comic-Con was a great experience because it helped me–forced me–to get my elevator pitch nailed down solid.

As I noted in previous blogs, getting my pitch nailed down for FINDERS KEEPERS wasn’t easy, as it’s a big, rousing adventure with lots of characters and some wacky situations. Plus, at the beginning of my process, my phrasing–the exact words I used–was off just slightly. My original mini-pitch–my elevator pitch–was:

"FINDERS KEEPERS is loosely based on a backpacking trip I took through Europe, set against a mad dash for a glass jar that just might contain the essence of the Universe."

I kinda had the people who would be interested in this kind of comical sci-fi/fantasy, but those last words "essence of the Universe" were too vague and elusive. It took me many, many months to figure that out. So then I spent some time revising, and worked on that longer query letter to agents (which I’ve included below again), which now provides a much, much better big picture view of FINDERS KEEPES and much more enticing query. The feedback has been quite good.

But I forgot one thing. Something incredibly important.

When you’re sending in a query to an agent, they read it–it’s in writing–and so they can go at their own pace. The written word is a far different exchange than a verbal delivery. It’s a totally different experience. There’s just no way to give a longer, more detailed, big picture "elevator pitch" in 30 seconds when 30 seconds is all you get. I spent so much time focusing on book agents that I didn’t refocus my elevator pitch for Hollywood agents. In fact, it made me realize that I didn’t have the right description for when anyone would ask me what it’s about.

Several times over the last month or so people at work or when I was out socially would ask me about FINDERS KEEPERS, and I would stumble on my own words, because my agent pitch–though effective in writing–was too long for a 30-second mini-pitch. And as such, I would just say it’s a comical sci-fi/fantasy, or that it’s light sci-fi, and then direct them to my Web site. That is not optimal marketing.

So for the first few hours at Comic-Con I was pretty uncomfortable because I didn’t know how to talk about FINDERS KEEPERS. I knew how to describe it on paper, but talking about was something else.

And then I got back to basics.

I went back to my original pitch, but I made a few tweaks. I revised my language. But those few words seemed to make all the difference. I found my comfort zone, and it really did the trick, based on the very positive reaction I got from it. What I know say is this:

"FINDERS KEEPERS is loosely based on a backpacking trip I took through Europe with a friend of mine from New Zealand, set against a quest for a jar that contains the Universe’ DNA."

I added "with a friend of mine from New Zealand" to give it a buddy-movie feel, and also a more exotic scope, and I changed "dash" to "quest," to make it more specific and more epic. I also removed the words "just might contain" to "contains," making the plot more definitive, and I changed "the essence of the Universe" to "the Universe’s DNA."

That last bit, I realized some time ago, was the real key. "The essence of Universe" just had too many people rolling their eyes. "The Universe’s DNA" is scientific. It’ something anybody can wrap their mind around. It gives FINDERS KEEPERS scope, but with boundaries. It allows people to say, "oh, okay, I get that."

And the more I gave my tweaked elevator pitch, the more confidently I delivered it–and it showed. You can judge by the number of people who actually buy your stuff, and also by their reactions. You have to read their faces, their body language. It’s like being a stand-up comic. You have to gauge audience reaction to know if a joke works, and whether you need to tweak the joke, or else get rid of it. But you make adjustments until you get it just right.

I feel that I’ve now got my elevator pitch just right. It?s set. So now when anybody asks me what FINDERS KEEPERS is about, I’ve got the words down pat. I’m feeling super comfortable, which is the best way to promote anything.

When I first starting writing FINDERS KEEPERS, it hadn’t occurred to me just how big this venture can be. There are so many layers, so much to learn. There’s the writing, and there’s the business side of getting published, and then there’s the Hollywood/TV angle. It’s a massive undertaking. And while it’s hard work, there’s so much to glean from it.

And once again, just by being invested, I’ve been forced to improve my techniques and approach. And I?m so much better off for it.

***

Here?s the key part of my agent query for FINDERS KEEPERS:

What if, in some distant corner of the cosmos, there is a gossipy, Hollywood-like realm devoted solely to development of the Universe? And what if creation of planets, moons, stars and the like require but a few drops of the Universe?s DNA, which is stored in a protective glass jar? In regard to Earth, what if the supervisors assigned to overseeing its construction were unqualified and inexperienced? What if they were also newlyweds, who made love on the job site? And in doing so, what if they accidentally knocked that jar into the still-forming planet below, where it was lost for billions of years?

Fast forward to present day Earth, when wannabe-English teacher Jason Medley, one of the heroes of FINDERS KEEPERS, is stuck in that netherworld between college and a career until he reluctantly quits his go-nowhere waiter job on Long Island, and backpacks across Europe. There he meets Theo Karnes, an adventurous New Zealander who has already stumbled upon the hallucination-inducing jar–that won’t open–unaware of what’s actually inside.

As the new friends travel from city to city, trying to outrun their impending adult responsibilities, they encounter a young, sultry painter with a secret agenda, a haunted past and a habit for finding trouble. Meanwhile, Earth?s banished galaxy designer and her talking brown Labrador, the newlyweds with a famous friend, and a drag queen with a dream each have their own designs for Theo’s jar, forcing all involved to decide what really matters to them most, and why.

Traversing Europe, New Zealand and the backbone of Eternity, FINDERS KEEPERS is a tale of cosmic lunacy that not only tackles friendship, loyalty, sex and desire, but also God, reincarnation–and what really happened to the dinosaurs.

Post edited by: rcolchamiro, at: 2007/08/05 09:58

Bizarre Japanese TV Game Show – Human Tetris

This got forwarded to me the other day. It’s so bizarre and hilarious. It’s from a Japenese game show where they play human Tetris! Check it out.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0bK63uSTTNsThis got forwarded to me the other day. It’s so bizarre and hilarious. It’s from a Japenese game show where they play human Tetris! Check it out.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0bK63uSTTNs

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