Now that Liz and I have been together for seven years (married for five), enough time has gone by where I can better track the ebbs and flows of our relationship, and how to better balance how much time we need together–just us, as couple–and how much time we need to be doing our own thing. This doesn’t mean that I’ve got this down to a science, because I don’t. But generally speaking I?m more sensitive about the need for us to spend time together, and our individual and collective needs to spNow that Liz and I have been together for seven years (married for five), enough time has gone by where I can better track the ebbs and flows of our relationship, and how to better balance how much time we need together–just us, as couple–and how much time we need to be doing our own thing. This doesn’t mean that I’ve got this down to a science, because I don’t. But generally speaking I?m more sensitive about the need for us to spend time together, and our individual and collective needs to spend time apart.
In M. Scott Peck’s In Search of Stones, he talks about his own marriage (at which point was past the 30-year mark), and asks: [i]Are we striking the right balance between separateness and togetherness? Does the balance need to change as we age? The adventure of our marriage also gone on and on[/i].
So the question I ask myself, is: [i]what’s the right balance of separateness and togetherness for Liz and I? And perhaps more importantly: what is the right balance now for Liz and I, and how will that balance change over time?[/i]
Generally speaking, I would say that Liz and I spend a good about of time together. Most nights, after work, once we’ve both changed our clothes and had a little time to decompress, we hit the couch and watch TV together for about two hours. It’s our time together. It’s relaxed, it’s fun. On the weekends,
I’d say we usually spend several hours together once each day, although not necessarily consecutively. But all in all, we spend a good amount of time together, and, as I’ve blogged about before, we have our Family Meeting on Sunday nights, to plan ahead for the next few weeks.
When it comes to separateness, we also do our own thing, I think, a reasonable amount. I’m up early in the morning to write during the week or go to the gym, and then I spend a few hours each day on the weekends doing the same. Liz has become a knitter the last few years, so she does that once a week (on and off), and so has her friends time. And then we do our separate friends things and couples friends thing.
And yet, is the balance right? Overall, I think so. But it changes. Day to day. Week to week. Month to month. Year to year.
I am constantly reminded that the right balance today may not be the right balance tomorrow. And I?m reminded when I feel those tugs of either feeling like I miss Liz, or we?re getting on each other?s nerves. And sometimes that?s what it is. Too much time together. I?m reminded of an early episode of [i]Mad About You[/i], when Paul and Jamie are home all weekend together, and she kisses him and says, ?I love you, but if I have to look at your face one more minute I?m going to scratch your eyes out. Go do something.? Or something to that effect.
Sometimes being together is exactly what you need, as a couple. And sometimes is exactly what you don?t need. And sometimes, I want to be around Liz more than she wants to be around me, and sometimes it?s the other way around. So this requires maintenance, and that we both be flexible and understanding, because it?s easy to get the vibe wrong, and it?s easy to misinterpret what the other is thinking or feeling.
More often that not, it works out fine, but being in rhythm isn?t always easy, or even possible. We have our own rhythms and needs, and they are not always in sync. So taking the pulse of our relationship is important, and important to do regularly. The updates don?t have to be major sit-downs, but just checking helps gets past those awkward spots where we?re unable (or unwilling, for whatever reason), to just volunteer what we want, need or expect.
And sometimes the smallest gesture ? a touch on the cheek, grazing of fingers ? is all we need to say everything that needs saying.
Well, I suppose I could go on and on about the idea of separateness vs. togetherness, because it?s a forever thing, but for now I?ll just wrap by saying that, after I post this blog (time for me) and do a few other Finders Keepers updates, I?ll be hanging out with my girl.
Separate. Then together.
Post edited by: rcolchamiro, at: 2008/01/07 12:58
Post edited by: rcolchamiro, at: 2008/02/13 12:57
Post edited by: rcolchamiro, at: 2008/02/17 08:19
Post edited by: rcolchamiro, at: 2008/02/27 14:01
