Now that I’ve gotten some more feedback, it seems that my latest pitch revision is proving popular. Hopefully agents will agree! I’ll be approaching them very soon with the changes (I’m off to Chicago this morning for a biz trip for a few days, so next week it’s go time).
In regard to the pitch itself, I think there are three key elements that have helped shaped its improvement:
* Scope: As I’ve discussed, Finders Keepers is what I like to call a tale of cosmic lunacy; it’s a fantasy; Now that I’ve gotten some more feedback, it seems that my latest pitch revision is proving popular. Hopefully agents will agree! I’ll be approaching them very soon with the changes (I’m off to Chicago this morning for a biz trip for a few days, so next week it’s go time).
In regard to the pitch itself, I think there are three key elements that have helped shaped its improvement:
* Scope: As I’ve discussed, Finders Keepers is what I like to call a tale of cosmic lunacy; it’s a fantasy; a bit of outrageous fun that asks the reader to accept this goofy scenario I’ve come up with. And the responses to the novel–from those who have read it–have been quite good. But summing up the tale in a quick synopsis has been a little tricky for me.
So what I’ve done in the revised version of the pitch is to paint a better and bigger picture that presents this goofy world in more of a step-by-step fashion that helps clarify–and enlarges–the scope of the scenario. To wit:
— What if, in some distant corner of the cosmos, there is a gossipy, Hollywood-like realm devoted solely to development of the Universe? And what if creation of planets, moons, stars and the like require but a few drops of the Universe?s DNA, which is stored in a protective glass jar? In regard to Earth, what if the supervisors assigned to overseeing its construction were unqualified and inexperienced? What if they were also newlyweds, who made love on the job site? And in doing so, what if they accidentally knocked that jar into the still-forming planet below, where it was lost for billions of years? —
(for the rest of the pitch, see yesterday’s blog)
My earlier versions didn’t paint the same picture, and certainly with a lot less clarity. I think this does the basic concept justice. In essence, I was selling potential readers short–and selling my book short–by not providing the scope of the goofy madness I’ve been up to. Now people can get a better handle about the story.
One of my tenants of writing is that the more complex a tale you’re trying to tell, the more simplistically you want to present it. Without realizing it, I wasn’t following my own advice. Now I am.
I just needed to take a little more time to explain myself. I was so focused on squeezing my query letter onto one page–as per many of the query writing books and advice I’ve gotten–that I didn’t give myself the flexibility to go just a little over. If an agent likes the idea, reading a few extra lines will not be off putting.
Structure: This time out I’ve used the question format. I played around with a few different versions of this description, but it seemed that people are really responding to this structure. Because the scenario of Finders Keepers is a bit wacky and fantastical, I needed to allow people time to accept it. Rather than shocking them into an "oh wow" moment, I realize now that I need to give them just a little more time to buy into it, even if it’s just 30 seconds or so.
Asking this series of questions is really like asking permission to proceed, and I think people generally respond to that. Also, asking this series of questions allows me to reveal the scope of the story a step at a time, allowing people new to Finders Keepers to follow along the big picture in such a logical way that they can visualize what I’m talking about. Then they can go, "Oh, [i]that’s[/i] what you’re talking about. Now I get it. Wow. Very cool."
Key Phrase: I think one key phrase is also making a difference. In my description, I had been saying that the jar in question just might contain "the essence of the Universe." Essence of the Universe. Hmm. While that is actually a fair description, given the novel, it’s also difficult to grasp. What does that mean? What is the "essence of the Universe?" I realize now just how much that single phrase has been getting me the glazed over look. Essence of the Universe. Right.
So I’ve revised it.
Now I am more accurately describing the contents of the jar as the "Universe’s liquid DNA." People are telling me, "Okay, I get what that might be. [i]That[/i] I understand." It’s language that people can relate to. I’ve even tweaked the language slightly in my manuscript to reflect that change. It’s subtle, but I think really important. Even I’m saying, "yeah, that is better. Even I relate to that phrase better."
Amazing how just a slight turn of phrase can make such a difference. (Hello, Russ. It’s called writing …)
So now that I’ve tested out the revised pitch on some folks it’s time to see how the agents respond. I’m feeling real good about it. I’ll keep you posted.
Post edited by: rcolchamiro, at: 2007/05/14 18:15
